


Statement of Mabel and Dipper Pines

by Overstressed_Lesbian



Category: Gravity Falls, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: After Gravity Falls, Jon is exhausted, Kinda crack fic, Short One Shot, The Archival assistants like to tease Jon, The Magnus Archives Season 1, The Pines Twins, skeptic Jon, the pines twins experienced trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:35:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25389145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Overstressed_Lesbian/pseuds/Overstressed_Lesbian
Summary: Jon has read a lot of unbelievable statements in his short time as head archivist, but this one is a bit more than just unbelievable.Or, the Pines twins make a statement about their time in Gravity Falls and Jon has to deal with the fact that all of these insane stories are true.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 73





	Statement of Mabel and Dipper Pines

**Author's Note:**

> I was watching Gravity Falls with my friend and she asked which episode would be the best to give Jonathan Sims as a statement. Personally, I think the golf ball episode just because season 1 Jon would hate it so much. Anyway I thought it would be funny to imagine Jon dealing with this nonsense so enjoy this short crack!fic I wrote in like an hour before going to bed.

_Statement Ends_.

Jon put down the statement and rubbed his hand over his face. This one was… weird. No, not just weird; it was flat out unbelievable. And yet, Jon looked over at the laptop sitting on the corner of the desk from where it was discarded in favor of the tape recorder when he realized the statement just wasn’t going to record there.

But there was truly no way this one could be true. The laptop must be malfunctioning. Of course, Tim’s hadn’t been able to record it, nor his phone. Only the old tape recorder was willing to bear witness to this _atrocity_ of a statement.

It just wasn’t possible. A race of mini-golf people? A boyfriend who turned out to be a pile of gnomes? A triangle-shaped demon? No. Jonathan Sims absolutely refused to believe this nonsense.

Jon did try and do a bit of preliminary research. They did look into every statement, no matter how ridiculous, just for the sake of it. It was given by a few teenagers a few years ago from the States about a summer they spent in a small town in Oregon. He found a few articles from some poorly managed newspaper called _The Gravity Falls Gossiper_ about some power outages and strange destruction. Most of them were just about some of the stranger residents and the dating life of a supposed child psychic could hardly be considered paranormal, or news for that matter. He also looked into the attraction they worked at while staying with their uncle, sorry _Grunkle_ , which they had made sure to point out. The Gravity Falls Mystery Shack had something that could barely pass as a website. Filled with obvious scam ads it was near impossible to find any actual information, not that the website provided any. Just a bunch of exorbitant prices and “the promise of something you can’t believe!”

Other than that, it was if the town didn’t exist. Jon even had trouble pinpointing it on a map. Surely if this place contained this many strange occurrences, someone would have heard about it before. There was the brief mention in the statement of FBI interference, as well as a secret society that resided in the basement of a museum that erased people’s memories, which could explain the gaps, but that was about as hard to believe as the stories themselves, and clearly an attempt to pass off responsibility for proving their incredulous claims.

There were a few other reasons why this statement managed to penetrate even Jon’s skeptic mind besides the inability to record digitally. He hadn’t been the one to take the statement, merely found it amongst the mess, but he could detect genuine fear in the way they talked. The children, twins he remembered, couldn’t have been more than twelve when these events occurred. There was a way that they described some of the details of this triangle-shaped demon that reminded Jon of his own thoughts with Mister Spider. There was no way they could fake that unless they actually were actors. The brother describing times his sister had been captured, and the sister describing the terrifying hold this supposed demon had over her brother, both felt so real. Most of the time when people come in to give statements, they are separated. It’s easier to get a more accurate depiction of the events that way, but there was a note attached to the top of the file that told Jon that the two refused to be separated, and special permission was given to allow them to write the statement together. It made the story exceptionally confusing with the conflicting point of view.

Jon sighed again, exhausted. Well, in any case, it wasn’t his job to determine if the story was true or not, just follow up any loose ends and categorize it away for the rest of eternity. He stood up and opened his office door to where the assistants sat working. “Tim?” he called, “Do you have any follow up on the Pines case I gave you?”

Tim looked up at him and stared, “You’re joking. I didn’t actually think you wanted me to _do_ anything for it.”

“I mean I did expect you to do your job. Not sure why that is so surprising,” Jon said dryly.

“Yeah, but the statement’s bullshit! You read it right? There’s no way there’s anything to actually follow up on. Just some kids pulling a prank.”

That caught Sasha’s attention who said, “Wait, I gotta hear this one. What makes it so much more unbelievable than our other cases? You did see me look into that haunted vegetable case last week, right?”

Tim stood up and plucked the paper statement out of Jon’s hands, “They describe a Halloween creature made of rejected candy that tried to eat them, an eighth and a half president conspiracy, and a pterodactyl that tried to kill their pet pig named Waddles.”

“You know, Waddles is a good name for a pig,” Martin said from his desk, thoughtfully, “did they get him back from the pterodactyl?”

“That’s beyond the point, Martin,” Jon replied, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. He knows how it sounds! He doesn’t want to follow up on this stupid case either.

“Give it here,” Sasha stands and takes the paper from Tim, “A bottomless pit? Time travel? Wax figures that come to life and try to kill people? Okay, that one’s just cliché.”

“Manotaur?” Martin now stood looking at the paper over Sasha’s shoulder, “Is that supposed to be some sort of spin-off of the minotaur legends?”

“Oh, you have no idea!” Tim spun around, “It’s described as half man half taur, and teaches people the secrets to becoming a man!”

“Sounds like someone you should talk to, Tim,” Sasha jokes.

Tim scoffs, “Please, they could probably learn something from me.”

“I know it’s ridiculous,” Jon interjects, annoyed with the direction the conversation took, “That’s why I need you to do your job, prove it’s all fake, and then maybe we can all try to move on with our lives.”

Tim rolls his eyes and goes to sit back down at his desk, “sure thing boss. I’ll go prove that there is no such thing as a race of golf ball people living in the obstacles of a mini-golf course. Serious work here.”

“Thank you,” Jon said relieved, “Just let me know when you’re done.”

“Sure thing. I will definitely let you know when I am done with this serious research on a serious case.”

Jon didn’t bother to reply, just closed the door on Martin and Sasha giggling at Tim’s idea of a joke. He sat down at his desk, still uneasy. He really hoped this was a genuine case of technology glitching for once. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew everything these kids had described was absolutely true, and he just didn’t know what to do with that information. 


End file.
